**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
