Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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