Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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