he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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