Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
