I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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