apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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