Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
40s are totally the cure
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
