it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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