If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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