Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
