Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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