Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
