Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
