Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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