I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
