I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
