I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
