I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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