your parents love me but you hate me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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