4 words: hood of his car
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
