LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
