haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
