Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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