no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
