She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
