the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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