i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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