Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
