Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
