So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
