His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
