So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
