the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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