I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
