We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
