Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
