I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
