I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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