I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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