U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
