He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
