Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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