U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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