My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
