i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
