Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We have started to decorate penises.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
