I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
