How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
