Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
